The only person I want to talk to more than anything in the etire world, would give anything to see, I can't. And haven't for more than a year now. It's still hard to acccept that I don't have her to share my happiness with, have to cheer me up or laugh with.
It makes me so angry when people take for granted all the good, beautiful things they have in their life. I get so upset when I see bitchy girls treating their mothers like shit. I would give anything to be able to talk to and see my mom again. Or at least to be able to tell her goodbye.
Usually I maintain moral, political, and religious ambiguity because I understand, and empathize, we all have different perspectives and, thus, shouldn't be subjected to obnoxious rants for the sake of a colloquial "pissing contest"; the overbearing need to prove that you are the biggest asshole in the room because you are able to bastardize and appeal to emotion and/or invoke religion to an otherwise rational discussion. But what is won? The ability to tell others how to live their life, who they cannot love, and what they can and cannot do with their bodies, so you can maintain a feeling of self-righteousness? At what cost do people actually pay for not abiding by hypocritical (at best) moral edicts? Their souls? Honestly, Hell for an eternity is preferable to listening to five minutes of condemnations by "self-righteous" purveyors of Christian Guilt. It is this simple: to deny a man the right to choose is to deny his humanity.
I assume that livejournal has become obsolute since the advent of facebook, myspace, etc. etc. I hate the term "blog"; it sounds like a noise that is made during a violent bout of vomitting. Nonetheless, I've always liked the idea of a journal. Some of my most admired literary figures kept personal accounts of their trivial day-to-day happenings, notable events, life-shattering tragedies, to reflect upon later and from which to draw inspiration.
Personally though, I cringe at my most intimate thoughts.
Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle. Step 2: Post the first line (or first and second line if it's completely impossible) from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
1. Don't touch, kid, sleep with the light on, it's on touch kid, how you surprise me now. [Phenomena--Yeah Yeah Yeahs] 2. Will you say when I'm gone away, 'my lover came to me and we'd lay in rooms unfamiliar but until now'. [Each Coming Night--Iron & Wine] 3. If you're so prone to accidents and misunderstandings, you may accidently misinterpret honesty for selfishness. [I'll See You When We're Both Not So Emotional--American Football] 4. Time is running out for us, but you just move the hands upon the clock. [The Clock--Thom Yorke] 5. The hour has begun, your eyes have now opened. [Tremble For My Beloved--Collective Soul] 6. Girl, I know the hall looks dark and the storm it seems so scary. [Lost Girls--Tilly and the Wall] 7. Suppose I said, I am on my best behaviour. There are times I lose my worried mind. [Not Myself--John Mayer] 8. Faith, you're driving me away. You do it every day. [My Iron Lung--Radiohead] 9. Lately I've been wishing I had one desire, something that would make me never want another,something that would make it so that nothing mattered. [A Perfect Sonnet--Bright Eyes] 10. I have climbed the highest mountains, I have run through the fields, only to be with you, only to be with you. [I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For--U2] 11. I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground. [Clark Gable--The Postal Service] 12. Oh doubt in the girl by your side, she's feeding your pride, as you go for a ride down the star mile. [Star Mile--Joshua Radin] 13. I'm so tired of learning to talk, building fences on the wall, in this day I shall not remain. [Empty Room--Marjorie Fair] 14. This door is always open, this door is always open no one has the guts to shut us out. [After Hours--The Scientists] 15. Cigarettes and chocolate milk, these are just a couple of my cravings. [Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk--Rufus Wainwright] 16. How does it feel to know you're everything I need, the butterflies in my stomach they could bring me to my knees. [So Much--The Spill Canvas] 17. I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday, too. [Friday, I'm in Love--The Cure] 18. Boredom's in the bathroom shaking out the loose teeth. [Stumbeline--The Smashing Pumpkins] 19. You're going away and I'm staying the same thing day after day, I can't let it go. [Xavia--The Submarines] 20. In the deepest ocean, bottom of the sea, your eyes they turn me. [Weird Fishes/Arpeggi--Radiohead] 21. Living isn't quite the same, you said to me, it's running away. [How to Say Goodbye--Paul Tierman] 22. It's way too late to be this locked in ourselves, the trouble is you're in love with someone else. [C'mere--Interpol] 23. My hands seem to deceive me, when I'm nervous or when I'm healthy. [Walls--Emery] 24. I used to think if I could realize I'd die then I would be a lot nicer. [Science vs. Romance--Rilo Kiley] 25. Is it still me that makes you sweat, am I who you think about in bed? [Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off--Panic at the Disco].
From this very moment I refuse to be anything but honest with myself. I have long put off the inevitable and lived in the past as a way to foster some kind of pseudo-security.
Here lately I have not acted in good faith, not been intransigent as it pertains to what I believe is right, and definitely not believed in myself in any respect.
Frustrated and conflicted are one in the same annoyance. A lot of what I do is just a facade; its redundant, contradictive, and generally miserable. I really just want to be myself, within myself, by myself.
Its so hard to just not say what I want. Open ended questions that require more than a simple 'yes', 'no', or 'maybe so' are going to be my ruin. Truly, I would rather be tarred and feathered than have to talk to some people. Its especially irritating having to entertain small talk, because really, I would rather grind my teeth against a wall than to have to conjure up descriptions about the weather and my plans for the weekend.
I like individuals, 'somebodies', 'us', etc. Its 'people' and 'them' that unnerve me.
I know its close-minded and hateful, but I cannot help feeling overwhelmed by this at least three times a day.
AND no, the weather is not 'beautiful'. Its an atrocity that it is so hot, humid, and bright outside. It makes me feel like I am walking through hell everyday.